How To Write Good.

1. Always avoid alliteration.
2. Avoid clichés like the plague--they're old hat.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice should not be used.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors--even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Don't use commas, that, are not necessary.
25. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
26. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
27. Subject and verb always has to agree.
28. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
29. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
30. Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
31. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
32. Don't be redundant.
33. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
34. Don't never use no double negatives.
35. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
36. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
37. Eschew obfuscation.
38. No sentence fragments.
39. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
40. A writer must not shift your point of view.
41. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
42. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
43. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
44. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
45. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
46. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
47. Always pick on the correct idiom.
48. The adverb always follows the verb.
49. And always be sure to finish what
50. Summarize - the golden rule: 5 +/- 2 points per topic - i.e. 7 maximum

I found this post of zorbathut's just to hilarious not to repost:

Right now I'm being spectacularly amused by the idea of doing a political webcomic that's consistently absolute gibberish.

Imagine a donkey, flying a plane marked "North Korea", dropping a bomb labeled "Coca-Cola" on an oil barrel.

I could so totally come up with hundreds of these.

Gotta love intelligent humor.

A friend of mine came up with this lovely piece of text that has a flesch reading ease of 0, a flesch-kincaid grade level of 34 and a gunning fog index of roughly 35:

I try to make my documents as obscurely erudite as possible, full of multisyllabic words and long sentences comprised of many phrases, delineated appropriately by a veritable slough of commas, colons and semicolons; this type of writing is generally considered unacceptable in modern correspondence, but I find its inherently pedantic qualities endear it to my fundamentally conceited personality. The style having been introduced to me through the voluminous expression of Herman Melville, it preöccupied my ponderings and encouraged me to adopt a similarly expanded idiom when producing inscribed texts; likewise did it profoundly affect my oratory mannerisms, allowing my pontifications to expand incessantly, leading my listeners to the inevitable conclusion that my eventual quiescence is a virtual impossibility.

Beautiful, man, just beautiful.

It's been striking me recently how quotes are really ambiguous out of context, but serve as an excellent way to remind people (i.e. me) of large, complicated concepts. You just have to know the large concept first, or the quote makes no sense whatsoever. Okay, on with the quotes:

Dex: Do you want to have sex with this woman?
Dave: Definitely.
Dex: Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve.
Dave: Who?
Dex: You must learn to eliminate your desire.
Rick: It's Buddhist.
Dex: I think the Taoists said it first.
Rick: Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf?
Dex: Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.

Maggie: [to Dex] But you've never been happy with any women you've dated.
Dex: Well, that's Male Insanity Syndrome. Ya know, that is just you're with a woman and no matter how cool she is, you're always thinking "Maybe I could do a little better or I could trade up somehow.
Syd: "Trade up?"

Dex: Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler. He did a lot. But don't we all wish he woulda just stayed home and gotten stoned?

Syd: Okay, so, if you're falling in love with me, then why are you with all these other women?
Dex: Oh, come on. Am I supposed to remain celibate while I bask in like the warm glow of your annihilating contempt?

Dex: You think all Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama? I mean, you don't there are guys in Nepal, right, who are like, "What should I do? Should I carry packs of heavy shit for Westerners up to the top of the base camp on Mt. Everest, or should I stay down here in Katmandu and maybe just chant all day and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?"

Dex: Both men and women want to have sex. It's natural, except we're on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y'know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she'll be chasing you for five.

Dex: Y'know, no one ever says, "Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?" Or, "Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?"
Syd: Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that?
Dex: Always. All the time.
Syd: And what does God say?
Dex: He says, "You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked."

-All quotes from The Tao of Steve

WANT leads to CHOICE, which leads to COMMITMENT
SHOULD leads to DECISION, which leads to SACRIFICE

A good friend of mine wrote this. I would really appreciate some feedback on it, what you think, what it meant to you, what feelings it invoked. It struck a chord within me.

EXCELSIS

Holding someone's soul in the palm of your hand..

Knowing it was your mercy alone that allowed it's exsistence..

Knowing that you had that power not because you were special or
god-like, but because you convinced someone unknowingly to place
that power in your hands..

The undeniable power of words and emotions..

Leaving subtle hints until they realize it was not you that brought
this downfall, but their own folly.. their desperate need to be
loved and special for all the wrong reasons.. the sweet irony of it
all, as they realize they condemned themself.. 

The anticipation and fear in their eyes as they watch your tender
grip on their being.. 

The satisfaction of placing the seed of their self-inflicted hell at
their feet.. watching them feed their daemons until the roots spring
forth from the ground, wrapping around their waiting limbs, trapping
them aggainst the walls they erected to hinder any escape.. 

Then as they hang there exhausted and broken.. ever so gently you
lean closer.. tightly their eyes close, anticipating the final blow
of from your hand that will send them flailing into oblivion.. ever
so softly

you whisper the truth.. 

That which struck them down..  that damning force which you held in
your hand was only an illusion of power, that the real power is
within themselves and they could seize it at any time.. 

As you pull away, you see the sudden realization sweeping over their
features.. you wait for the anger.. the strength within them that
will free them of their chains.. the satisfaction of watching their
fury reclaim the meaning they thought lost.. you wait..

Suddenly a piercing cry is torn from their lungs, their body rocking
with the force of the anguish of their own soul.. it echoes though
the hallows of their tomb, the unexpected ring of surrender
assulting your senses. 

Then silence..

the faint sound of blood dripping to the floor.. 

You stare down out their broken body, suprised at the sight before
you.. this is not the outcome you sought.. you wait for them to
stand, in fierceness and fury fueled by the knowledge of their own
strength.. you silently plead for them to rise, to strike you for
daring such vileness.. for encouraging them to doubt such an
essential truth as their individual place in the universe.. you
close your eyes, praying for the blow to come.. the blow that will
reclaim their pride and confidence.. 

but.. silence.. 

merciless silence.. 

You open your eyes and stare at the tatered remains of your
conquest. Why do they not rise? 

... because they have given up.. 

Just as they could not build the effort to deny you, they lack the
courage to admit their own folly.. instead they shall allow themself
to rot in their own foolishness.. unable to admit the truth 

The realization of their choice sickens and saddens you.. with
disgust you regard them.. disappointed that humanity can be brought
to such a state by their own hand.. 

Tears burn your eyes.. your own faith now torn, you leave the scene
in slience.. hating them for their weakness.. hating them for not
calling to you, pleading for assistance.. hating them for not trying
one more time.. 

Hating the silence that shouldn't be..

I could have loved you.. With an utterance I'd have worshipped you..
why won't you speak..

It's a sad, sad state of a human being when, stripped of society's brainwashing, there's nothing left behind.

I came across this the other day, and it really hit me. It puts into words something I could never get across to Lindsey. I could tell her that I wasn't trying to put her down, but I was never able to tell her this. I was never able to get across to her that it meant I respected her. Here it is:


Jason Canfield (10:05:53 PM): What I'm going to say, isn't bullshit. So, take this word for word.
(10:06:01 PM): k
Jason Canfield (10:06:25 PM): When I do that, it's because I respect you, and I think that perhaps your idea, or your belief, may be "righter" (not a word, I know), or more correct than mine, or, perhaps, just correct, whereas mine is completely wrong.
Jason Canfield (10:06:32 PM): With morons, I don't even argue
Jason Canfield (10:06:37 PM): because there is no way they are right.
Jason Canfield (10:06:39 PM): It's not worth my time.
Jason Canfield (10:06:47 PM): I'm looking for someone to change what I think, trying to improve myself.
Jason Canfield (10:07:06 PM): the best way to improve yourself, is to look at what works for others, and compare it to what works for you.

...

Jason Canfield (10:30:09 PM): You're welcome.
Jason Canfield (10:30:33 PM): But yeah, when I question you, or your beleifs, when we get into those discussions...
Jason Canfield (10:30:48 PM): they aren't me trying to prove you wrong, or me trying to break you down, or dominate your thoughts, not at all
Jason Canfield (10:30:56 PM): though I can see how you can see it that way.
Jason Canfield (10:31:12 PM): They are me, exploring you, how you think. Because, I think you are very intelligent, and are worth getting to know.


I just have to hope she realized that this was how I am, because I can't tell her now.

Tags: meta, philosophy, quotes