I Care

All are leaving, now all are gone.
All thise important, of whom I am fond.
Its a time of change, a time to accept
That they've moved on, while I've slept.
They are still here, and yet far away;
I've slept too long, and now I will pay.
Now I am lonely, as ever shall be;
Is there more, to being me?
I've slept too long, and now they've all left,
Leaving me not much more than a cleft.
There's so much to do, so much to say,
So much to share, so much to play.
And yet I'm alone, there's no one to tell,
No one to speak to of things that befell.
No one to love, not even to hate;
To always be lonely it seems is my fate.
I know many people, and call many "friend,"
But they're not there, not there in the end.
True friends are rare, and far in between;
When at last it comes, a loving keen.
For Love I have, and Love I can spare;
What I lack is with whom to share.
It doesn't take much: the will to grow.
After the first, then it can flow.
But the first is scary, that blind leap of trust.
To achieve Love, I will do what I must.

11/8/98

today i sat and wondered for awhile
how everyone can worry but smile
am I a cheap skate or just a cheap date?
what's the difference when nothing matters
but the difference in your end fate

the sun sat on me yesterday and weighed me down
even in its omnipotence I found no crown
it was like the world had left me to bare
my naked memories left of the world
what's mine is mine and I'm left to tear

since yesterday has passed I kind of miss the sun
tommorow I feel I'll be alone and alone I'll be undone
the pressure that pushes me really makes me think
Im thinking that without the push
the emptiness would make me sink

EXCELSIS

Holding someone's soul in the palm of your hand..

Knowing it was your mercy alone that allowed it's exsistence..

Knowing that you had that power not because you were special or
god-like, but because you convinced someone unknowingly to place
that power in your hands..

The undeniable power of words and emotions..

Leaving subtle hints until they realize it was not you that brought
this downfall, but their own folly.. their desperate need to be
loved and special for all the wrong reasons.. the sweet irony of it
all, as they realize they condemned themself.. 

The anticipation and fear in their eyes as they watch your tender
grip on their being.. 

The satisfaction of placing the seed of their self-inflicted hell at
their feet.. watching them feed their daemons until the roots spring
forth from the ground, wrapping around their waiting limbs, trapping
them aggainst the walls they erected to hinder any escape.. 

Then as they hang there exhausted and broken.. ever so gently you
lean closer.. tightly their eyes close, anticipating the final blow
of from your hand that will send them flailing into oblivion.. ever
so softly

you whisper the truth.. 

That which struck them down..  that damning force which you held in
your hand was only an illusion of power, that the real power is
within themselves and they could seize it at any time.. 

As you pull away, you see the sudden realization sweeping over their
features.. you wait for the anger.. the strength within them that
will free them of their chains.. the satisfaction of watching their
fury reclaim the meaning they thought lost.. you wait..

Suddenly a piercing cry is torn from their lungs, their body rocking
with the force of the anguish of their own soul.. it echoes though
the hallows of their tomb, the unexpected ring of surrender
assulting your senses. 

Then silence..

the faint sound of blood dripping to the floor.. 

You stare down out their broken body, suprised at the sight before
you.. this is not the outcome you sought.. you wait for them to
stand, in fierceness and fury fueled by the knowledge of their own
strength.. you silently plead for them to rise, to strike you for
daring such vileness.. for encouraging them to doubt such an
essential truth as their individual place in the universe.. you
close your eyes, praying for the blow to come.. the blow that will
reclaim their pride and confidence.. 

but.. silence.. 

merciless silence.. 

You open your eyes and stare at the tatered remains of your
conquest. Why do they not rise? 

... because they have given up.. 

Just as they could not build the effort to deny you, they lack the
courage to admit their own folly.. instead they shall allow themself
to rot in their own foolishness.. unable to admit the truth 

The realization of their choice sickens and saddens you.. with
disgust you regard them.. disappointed that humanity can be brought
to such a state by their own hand.. 

Tears burn your eyes.. your own faith now torn, you leave the scene
in slience.. hating them for their weakness.. hating them for not
calling to you, pleading for assistance.. hating them for not trying
one more time.. 

Hating the silence that shouldn't be..

I could have loved you.. With an utterance I'd have worshipped you..
why won't you speak..