Comic courtesy of I Drew This, a political commentary webcomic.

How To Write Good.

1. Always avoid alliteration.
2. Avoid clichés like the plague--they're old hat.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice should not be used.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors--even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Don't use commas, that, are not necessary.
25. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
26. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
27. Subject and verb always has to agree.
28. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
29. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
30. Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
31. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
32. Don't be redundant.
33. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
34. Don't never use no double negatives.
35. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
36. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
37. Eschew obfuscation.
38. No sentence fragments.
39. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
40. A writer must not shift your point of view.
41. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
42. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
43. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
44. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
45. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
46. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
47. Always pick on the correct idiom.
48. The adverb always follows the verb.
49. And always be sure to finish what
50. Summarize - the golden rule: 5 +/- 2 points per topic - i.e. 7 maximum

I found this post of zorbathut's just to hilarious not to repost:

Right now I'm being spectacularly amused by the idea of doing a political webcomic that's consistently absolute gibberish.

Imagine a donkey, flying a plane marked "North Korea", dropping a bomb labeled "Coca-Cola" on an oil barrel.

I could so totally come up with hundreds of these.

Gotta love intelligent humor.

A friend of mine came up with this lovely piece of text that has a flesch reading ease of 0, a flesch-kincaid grade level of 34 and a gunning fog index of roughly 35:

I try to make my documents as obscurely erudite as possible, full of multisyllabic words and long sentences comprised of many phrases, delineated appropriately by a veritable slough of commas, colons and semicolons; this type of writing is generally considered unacceptable in modern correspondence, but I find its inherently pedantic qualities endear it to my fundamentally conceited personality. The style having been introduced to me through the voluminous expression of Herman Melville, it preöccupied my ponderings and encouraged me to adopt a similarly expanded idiom when producing inscribed texts; likewise did it profoundly affect my oratory mannerisms, allowing my pontifications to expand incessantly, leading my listeners to the inevitable conclusion that my eventual quiescence is a virtual impossibility.

Beautiful, man, just beautiful.

It's been striking me recently how quotes are really ambiguous out of context, but serve as an excellent way to remind people (i.e. me) of large, complicated concepts. You just have to know the large concept first, or the quote makes no sense whatsoever. Okay, on with the quotes:

Dex: Do you want to have sex with this woman?
Dave: Definitely.
Dex: Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve.
Dave: Who?
Dex: You must learn to eliminate your desire.
Rick: It's Buddhist.
Dex: I think the Taoists said it first.
Rick: Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf?
Dex: Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.

Maggie: [to Dex] But you've never been happy with any women you've dated.
Dex: Well, that's Male Insanity Syndrome. Ya know, that is just you're with a woman and no matter how cool she is, you're always thinking "Maybe I could do a little better or I could trade up somehow.
Syd: "Trade up?"

Dex: Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler. He did a lot. But don't we all wish he woulda just stayed home and gotten stoned?

Syd: Okay, so, if you're falling in love with me, then why are you with all these other women?
Dex: Oh, come on. Am I supposed to remain celibate while I bask in like the warm glow of your annihilating contempt?

Dex: You think all Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama? I mean, you don't there are guys in Nepal, right, who are like, "What should I do? Should I carry packs of heavy shit for Westerners up to the top of the base camp on Mt. Everest, or should I stay down here in Katmandu and maybe just chant all day and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?"

Dex: Both men and women want to have sex. It's natural, except we're on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y'know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she'll be chasing you for five.

Dex: Y'know, no one ever says, "Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?" Or, "Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?"
Syd: Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that?
Dex: Always. All the time.
Syd: And what does God say?
Dex: He says, "You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked."

-All quotes from The Tao of Steve

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don't think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here's the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They're not. Some manhole covers are square. It's true that there are SOME round ones, but I've seen square ones, and rectangular ones.

Interviewer: But just considering the round ones, why are they round?

Feynman: If we are just considering the round ones, then they are round by definition. That statement is a tautology.

Interviewer: I mean, why are there round ones at all? Is there some particular value to having round ones?

Feynman: Yes. Round covers are used when the hole they are covering up is also round. It's simplest to cover a round hole with a round cover.

Interviewer: Can you think of a property of round covers that gives them an advantage over square ones?

Feynman: We have to look at what is under the cover to answer that question. The hole below the cover is round because a cylinder is the strongest shape against the compression of the earth around it. Also, the term "manhole" implies a passage big enough for a man, and a human being climbing down a ladder is roughly circular in cross-section. So a cylindrical pipe is the natural shape for manholes. The covers are simply the shape needed to cover up a cylinder.

Interviewer: Do you believe there is a safety issue? I mean, couldn't square covers fall into the hole and hurt someone?

Feynman: Not likely. Square covers are sometimes used on prefabricated vaults where the access passage is also square. The cover is larger than the passage, and sits on a ledge that supports it along the entire perimeter. The covers are usually made of solid metal and are very heavy. Let's assume a two-foot square opening and a ledge width of 1-1/2 inches. In order to get it to fall in, you would have to lift one side of the cover, then rotate it 30 degrees so that the cover would clear the ledge, and then tilt the cover up nearly 45 degrees from horizontal before the center of gravity would shift enough for it to fall in. Yes, it's possible, but very unlikely. The people authorized to open manhole covers could easily be trained to do it safely. Applying common engineering sense, the shape of a manhole cover is entirely determined by the shape of the opening it is intended to cover.

Interviewer (troubled): Excuse me a moment; I have to discuss something with my management team. (Leaves room.)

(Interviewer returns after 10 minutes)

Interviewer: We are going to recommend you for immediate hiring into the marketing department.

Keith Michaels
krm@sdc.cs.boeing.com

... your roommate comes home at 1:00 in the morning, sees all lights turned off but the fire blazing in the fireplace, Loreena McKennitt playing softly in the background, and a topless woman he's never seen before lounging on the floor in front of the fire with a silly grin on her face -- and just shrugs and goes to bed as if it's nothing out of the ordinary.

Muahaha. ha.

Just another one of the many reasons greatblondelf is my hero:

<zanfur> how's the guitar coming?
<greatblondelf> not too bad (though not too good). I figure I need to spend another 4 hours or so smoothing out my chords, then learn a couple more songs, then about 20 hours just playing them....and then, if my bet is correct, I will have another kind of epiphany and move on to other things..
<zanfur> quite profound
<zanfur> I don't believe I've ever heard anyone else plan epiphanies into their schedule
<greatblondelf> well, you see the pattern of learning over and over again......I figure after the next 30 hours, I'll go "oh! picking! of course!" or something and move on into new areas of learning...

"Most problems could be avoided with three minutes of thought; but thought is tiresome, and three minutes is a long time." - A.E. Houseman

"If things got this way, obviously they could have -- and did." - Joseph Brothers


Man, I really gotta start a cookies file. *puts it on the todo list* I had my first day of work at my new job, today. They handed me the keys to the kingdom, told me everything was broken, and that they were depending on me to fix it. I'm gonna like this job. :-) It's also no problem for me to avoid rush hour: I can come in pretty much anytime, so long as I work my eight hours a day. I've decided that, for this week, I'll be coming in at 10, which is when the other techie comes in. I suppose theoretically he's my flunkie, but he's been around longer and he's showinging me the ropes, for which I'm grateful. And I get to rebuild the entire infrastructure from scratch. It's kinda daunting, but I've done it before, and it's really quite a bit of fun. And it pays well. Respect, Power, and Money: What more can one ask for? From a job, anyway.

In other news, Van Helsing sucks, and ariata rules -- even though it was her idea to watch Van Helsing.

"I'm trying to find the structure of social interactions by closing my eyes and throwing toasters at it."

Just one more reasons why physicists crack me up. Now, to go read more Feynman!

From here.

I see myself in you.
Me: You remind me of myself at your age.

Her: You should tell me what you've learned since then and give me a head start.

1) Money won't make you happy.
2) Programming is dehumanizing.
3) Computational theory is addicting.
4) You need to sleep AT LEAST every other day.
5) Video games, while amusing, are mostly a time sink.
6) Don't worry about doing something someone else can be hired to do. Focus on doing things that won't be done unless you do them. They will be far more rewarding.
7) No one will love you unless you love yourself.
8) You don't need caffiene
9) or alcohol
10) but they can be fun.
11) When it comes down to it, being hot really helps.
12) The most important element to being successful is having people like/admire/want you (see 11).
13) Confidence is sexy.
14) There are other fish in the sea
15) but none can replace another.
16) Those you love will lie to you
17) but those who love you won't.
18) The hardest thing to fix is your health
19) and some ailments are incurable.
20) Supply and demand are EVERYTHING.
21) Everyone is, at some level, a talent whore.
22) It's best if you don't lie.
23) Few things are worth worrying about.
24) Different things affect different people differently.
25) You should always consider if the potential risk outweighs the potential gain.
26) There is no replacement for a large vocabulary.
27) Spend time studying things that can't be discovered through critical thinking (such as history)
28) and surmise everything else you don't have time to study.
29) There is a time to be critical of yourself
30) and a time to be absolutely certain.
31) It's better to burn out than fade away.

From the languagehat site: 'Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro.'

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

If you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.