(this is a post I wrote 3 months ago, and am just getting around to cleaning up and posting)

I've been doing some thinking lately on relationships, and what they are to me.

I have only one type of relationship, really. It's the type where I trust you based upon the level of trust you've earned, are committed to you based on the level of commitment you've earned, and are passionate about you to the degree that our interactions are passion-inspiring, all liable to change as more information comes in. My relationships don't stay static: every new experience changes who I am, what's important to me, and how I view people. I think pretty much all people are this way. That's not what makes it interesting, though.

This means that I don't have "girlfriends" the same way a lot of people do. To me, a girlfriend is another relationship, where I trust the person based upon the level of trust she's earned, are committed based on the level of commitment she's earned, and passionate about her to the degree that our interactions are passion-inspiring. What *doesn't* matter to me is what the relationship is called. We can call ourselves "dating", "partners", "lovers", whatever...the label has no effect on the reality of our actual relationship. It works the other way around. To put it another way: I don't trust someone more because we call ourselves "together" versus not "together"; I call ourselves "together" because we trust each other more. I do have terms for my relationships, of course. Even if I don't care what they're called, I still need to communicate with the rest of the world.

---

In the past, relationships have broken down for me into a few archtypes, which I've called "family", "friend", and "lover". Then there are combinations, the most important of which I call "partner". This somewhat fuzzy categorization has made a lot of sense to me for a long time.

Family is the relationship where there's a lot of commitment, and usually years upon years of history. My parents, my siblings, and a few old friends (notably meekmistress) are my family. There are times when I don't particularly like these people, or trust them, or feel comfortable or safe around them, but they're still family, and I'd still protect and defend them if their life went awry. These are people I can count on if *my* life goes south, and I need protection and defense myself, even if I haven't seen them in years and just kinda drop myself on their doorstep. I have a dozen or so of these, and they apparently last for a decade or more.

Friend is the relationship where there's a lot of trust. These are the people I can feel safe around, that I feel I can just be myself around. What it takes to earn my trust is highly variable, and I couldn't even tell you -- sometimes I just trust a person within moments, and sometimes I have a lingering distrust that lasts for years. Not all my friends are fun to be around (some are quite morose), and not all people who are fun to be around are my friends (acquaintances, activity partners, etc.), but they're the people I feel a kinship with. I have many of these.

Lover is the relationship where there's lots of passion. There doesn't have to be sex involved, or even sexual attraction, though there usually is. I just can't find a better word. These are the people that I seem inexplicably drawn to, to learn about, to spend time with, to share experiences with. I have a half-dozen or so of these, some of them completely non-sexual.

Then there are the combinations. I call someone my girlfriend when they are both friend and lover. I call someone a close friend when they are both family and friend. I haven't come across an instance where someone is family and lover but not friend, but I think I'd call it unhealthy.

Partner is all three, a relationship with someone who is my family, my friend, and my lover. I typically have from zero and three of these, usually one and sometimes two.

I don't insist that my terms are "right", or that other people use them. I don't use the common "love" versus "in love" dichotomy, but I don't mind if *you* do. I do think that it makes more sense to think of both love and relationships as general connections having the three axes of commitment, trust, and passion rather than thinking of each relationship type as a separate category with the single axes of "closeness". If I've been close to someone for years and then find out that they aren't to be trusted regarding money matters, this will affect my trust of them, but may or may not affect my passion and my commitment to them. The relationship changes in a negative way, but it's not remedied by becoming "closer" again. If it's remedied at all, it's remedied by building the trust again, slowly, over time.

---

People are people. I treat people differently based on my connection and existing relationship with them. I have a bias to give time to my friends before my lovers (trust before passion), for instance, although the people who are both my friends *and* my lovers get more time still. In general, instead of deciding what type a relationship is and acting accordingly, I explore each relationship independently and try to act in a way that dignifies that connection, whatever it is.

Being polyamorous is simply a side effect of this. I never made the decision, "I want to be polyamorous!" I just *am*, as a consequence of how I view interpersonal relationships. I guess a good way of putting it would be that I self-label as polyamorous, but I don't self-identify as polyamorous: It happens to be something I do, but it's not a part of my identity. Polyamory isn't the point -- the point is unfettered intimacy, to whatever level is possible. It's what drives me to act the way I do, and to not place restrictions on myself or my partner in relationships. It's why I don't have relationship "rules" or agreements beyond what's necessary for physical safety considerations (e.g. kink and std safety). It's why I don't call people "primary" and "secondary". It's why I staunchly refuse any relationship restrictions from being placed on myself. It's why I'm open to the point of social awkwardness.

If anyone wanted to understand the pattern behind how I act in regard to relationships, there it is, at least as best I can figure it out, from my own internal vantage point. I think I wrote it up half to clarify things in my own mind, and half out of a desire to be understood by others.

joyous_tiger and I have been dating for 9 months now. By and large, the NRE has worn off. I'm happy to say, we still adore each other, and I don't see any end of that in sight. :-)

I've certainly had relationships that have lasted much longer. ariata and I dated for three and a half years. Something has been happening around this relationship, though, that's never happened to me before. People -- friends, family, lovers, even strangers -- have been incredibly supportive of us remaining together.

As nearly everyone who knows me is aware, I practice polyamory, and often have multiple romantic partners at a time. I also quite literally go out dancing more nights than I don't. Whenever I show up without joyous_tiger (about half the time), either alone or with another date, people ask me where she is, and seem really concerned that we've stopped dating, and are relieved when I tell them that all is still great.

In the beginning of November, one of my lovers and I parted ways, as well as another woman I was involved with. It was a hard few days. Whenever I mentioned this to any of my friends, or even just acquaintances that had seen us together, I invariably got the response of "Please tell me you're still dating joyous_tiger! You two belong together."

This last Thursday, while joyous_tiger and I were out dancing, a complete stranger walked up to me as I was taking a break and watching joyous_tiger dance, and told me that she and I were beautiful together, and thanked us for coming out and sharing our dancing with everyone, because it was really uplifting to see.

Last night, as I was lounging around with the_ocelot, I told her that I appreciated how supportive she is of my relationship with joyous_tiger, and how in favor of it she is, even though she and I are also involved. Even in polyamory, where that's often the ideal, that kind of support is a bit rare to find, especially to the extent the_ocelot does in this instance. Her response was to turn to me and say, with all seriousness, that joyous_tiger and I belong together, are destined to be together, and it's incredibly obvious to anyone who sees us together.

Our friend porphyre, a photographer by trade, mentioned that she wants to take a few hours walking around a park with us, taking pictures of us "being happy". Recently, while getting dinner with our friend Evelyn, she stopped pulled out a camera, and took a picture of us because we looked so cute together.

My mother met joyous_tiger a couple months ago, one of the times we went down to Portland to visit (conveniently, joyous_tiger's mom and sister also live in Portland). They got along fabulously, and although my mother has in the past pretty much thought no one was good enough for me, she's now convinced that joyous_tiger is the one for me. joyous_tiger's mom really likes me, too -- she says that joyous_tiger "shines" when I'm around.

I love joyous_tiger immensely, and would stay with her even if everyone around us was prophesying doom and destruction. But, I have to say, different as this is, it's very rewarding to have everyone around us be so incredibly in favor of our union. It's...happy-making.

*smile*

zanfur and dasbrose are throwing a house swarming party to commemorate dasbrose's arrival as a denizen of the house known as the Bit-Slingin' Saloon. dasbrose continues a long tradition of computer, math, and games geekdom, and after much deliberation has decided to join our forces. So, without further ado:

Come help us celebrate Fall and new roommates! There will be delicious treats, booze (although that's not the focus), and good people. This is of course in addition to the usual Bit-Slingin' Saloon entertainment of puzzles, a piano for playing, pool (bring your cues if ya got 'em!), music, and scintillating conversation.

WHEN & WHERE:
Saturday, November 22nd, 7pm
The Bit-Slingin' Saloon (aka "zanfur's house")
3848 NE 87th St, Seattle, WA 98115
206.909.0262 cell

THEME:
Classics! Does that mean Roman literature? Does that mean classic Greek? Does that mean stuffily academic and dowdy? You decide! (Togas optional.)

WHAT TO BRING:
Interesting fodder for conversation, and perhaps a couple interesting people. We have plenty of party food and beverages, but a game or two you'd like to play would go over fabulously, if you're so inclined. :-)

ERRATA:
If you know an additional spiffy person or two, please bring them along! (But please, talk with us before bringing a large group.) Children are more than welcome, but the house isn't used to children and may not be children-proof, so please make sure they're watched after. There will be alcohol present, but please only smoke in the backyard, well away from the doors. There is crash space available for those that don't feel up to driving home until morning. Due to the handmade nature of Bit-Slingin' Saloon parties, size and duration may vary. Manufactured in the U.S. (mostly). Warranty void where prohibited.

I decided three Fridays ago that staying at my present employer would be a detriment to my long-term career goals, so after some conversations with my boss, I've started the search for a new employer. I'm still employed, and will be grooming my replacement as I slowly transfer my duties to others in the organization, but I want to have new employment within the next month.

My boss is actually being very supportive of me in this, and has offered to be a reference to help me in my search, which I think is rather magnanimous of him. We've always worked well together, but I plan on moving more toward larger things, and the company is just too small to help me toward my goals. I've learned a lot at this company, but I want to take what I've learned and apply it toward learning more and growing myself both as a person and in my career, instead of just spinning my wheels.

A large motivator for this is that I've decided to change the direction of my career. I'm the guy who knows how everything works together to produce something of value. I have experience directing groups of developers, IT, QA, and project managers to put out some fairly large-scale things, such as the IMDb Mobile Movies Guide service and the AT&T Wireless MEdiaMall 2.0 service, to name a couple of the larger ones. I'm also experienced managing similar sets of people to migrate services from one environment to another, for instance after a company acquisition or merger or when switching server technologies. I think my time as an individual contributor, or as an IT Manager, is pretty much done. As much as I enjoy digging in and working directly with the technology, I get much more satisfaction out of leading a project to its successful completion, and I think I have a lot more to offer in a more managerial position than as just another technology expert who happens to be good at what he does. I'm looking for a position where I'd be doing essentially what I describe above, for a number of projects simultaneously, but as my formal job description as opposed to just because I'm the only guy around who steps up and does it.

I see a couple directions I could go to achieve this. I could, for instance, work at a startup with a dozen or so people, taking the gamble that it will grow and that my organization would grow under me to the point where I reach the career I desire. The second option is to take a position much like my current one but for a much larger team, potentially in a project management capacity, in order to gain the larger-scale management experience necessary to move to a real director-level position.

My understanding of systems administration and programming, and how they relate to each other, is really quite strong. This is especially true in the open source software arena. I know how to grease the wheels of communication between management, dev, QA, and IT, because I've done them all. I know how to keep services running and stable, and I know how to juggle fifty things at once without becoming overwhelmed. It's very hard to pull wool over my eyes when it comes to technology, and I have a fairly keen grasp of what is and is not feasible to accomplish in that space even if I lack specific knowledge of the specific technology in question. The things I'm *not* familiar with are along the lines of administrivia, like creating an annual budget or making useful diagrams with tools like Visio. However, while I know those are critical skills to have, I'm certain I'd quickly learn them and their associated tools, and I have plenty of resources to help me in that objective.

If anyone knows of openings or potential opportunities for something like I'm describing, or has ideas of another route I could take toward these ends, please let me know.

I read something in tacit's journal recently that got me thinking. (tacit's journal is an excellent source of thoughts on polyamory done well, for anyone interested). This particular entry was on Veto power in poly relationships.

I'm guessing that most people reading my journal, at least at those infrequent times when I post, already know what veto power means when applied to romantic relationships. Even if you're monogamous, the idea of being able to veto any particular action of your partner is pretty common. Don't like how flirtatious that PYT is with your partner? Forbid you partner from speaking with the flirt. That's veto power, even if it's not explicitly stated. The only real difference between that and polyamorous veto power is that there's more possibilities of things to veto, because the classic "no sex and/or romance with other people" veto isn't assumed from the outset. Actually, I can see a reasonable argument that monogamy is equal to polyamory with that perticular veto in place.

Entry linked above, and the one it links to, explains my thoughts on the perils of veto pretty well. To summarize: if you need "rules" to save your relationship, you're doing it wrong. I get there by a much different tack, though.

See, you already have veto power. You can veto any relationship you're in simply by leaving it, or changing how you interact with it. Veto power isn't inherently good or bad. As matter of fact, it simply *is*, so it's kinda moot to assign it moral value, anyway. You can always leave a relationship, and no rule or agreement will change that -- and you can always go against your partners' wishes, and no rule or agreement will change that, either. A discrepancy arises when you think you can veto actions of your partner, as opposed to actions of your own. If you try to ignore the pysics of the situation, and pretend that you actually have control over your partner, you're just blinding yourself to reality.

I've been dating joyoustiger for the last four months. She's amazing. We recently had a talk about rules, after realizing that neither of us had really cared enough or worried enough about them to formalize them. (Actually, it came up in conversation about rules in other relationships before we realized that we didn't actually have any between ourselves.) We agreed to tell each other -- before sleeping with each other again -- of any new sexual partners, essentially for VD safety reasons. You know, the same way you'd tell someone if you had recently hung out with someone who had the flu, so they can make an informed risk assessment about hanging out with you. It isn't a "rule" (I think we don't haven any hard and fast rules), it's just something both of us do out of consideration for the other, falling under our definition of "being respectful to others", something important to both of us. Neither of us prohibit the other from anything...though if either of us puts the other at risk, physically or mentally, it would certainly affect our own relationship.

As an example, if I started having unprotected sex with druggies and prostitues from the street corner, that would be within the "rules". Of course, if I ever did something like that, I think the chances are pretty high that she'd stop having sex with me, out of respect for her own and her other partners' sexual health. That's certainly a veto: it vetos a relationship where she and I are having sex under those circumstances.

But see, it's not a veto on my actions. It's a veto of a shared experience, which can always be vetoed by either party: simply don't participate. I may continue to have unprotected sex with high-risk people, if that's more important to me that having sex with joyoustiger. Or, I can get tested, stop that particular behavior and, if I'm lucky enough to get a clean result after all that and she still wants a sexual relationship with me, renew my sexual relationship with joyoustiger. At no point did anyone say, even implicitly, "You're not allowed to do X." Yet, a fairly strong veto is still in place, made even stronger by the fact that it actually removes the option in a way enforceable by the vetoer.

That's an important distinction. If, for instance, she became close to someone I really don't want in my life, perhaps because of past experiences I've had with that person (or any other reason), and I want to veto her from seeing that person, I don't have the power to stop it. I mean that fairly literally -- no matter what agreements are in place, even if I have "veto" power, even if we have an agreement that I can tell her to stop speaking with a person, I can't actually enforce it short of long-term physical coersion. The only power I actually have is how I react. I could, for instance, terminate the romance if it was important enough that I avoid contact with this other person, even by proxy.

ariata and I ended a three-and-a-half year relationship last August, which for us basically meant just deciding to stop working on building a life together. We've slowly drifted apart, and we're certainly still friends...but that decision (mutual, in this case) terminated the relationship we had, where it was understood that we were attempting to build a partnership for years to come.

That's really the ultimate power I have over the relationship: terminating it, at least as it stands. Sometimes that means no longer interacting with the person, the typical "break-up". Sometimes it means changing it to something different than it was, and continuing in another direction.

It's not the only power I have in the relationship, of course, although it's certainly one of the most drastic. I also have the power to communicate my desires, my wishes, and my dreams, and to ask after and listen to those of the other person. I have the power to help fulfill the other person's desires, wishes, and dreams. I have the power of feedback, to nurture interactions I like and to discourage interactions I dislike. I even have the ability to prune aspects I don't like, by simply not participating when those aspects arise. I have the power to damage it, too, by creating hostile environments, thwarting the other person's desires and goals, and in general being someone difficult to care about. In a most general sense, I have the power to change my portion of the interaction.

I know some people will read this and think I'm talking about controlling the other person through extortion (e.g. threats of the emotional pain of breaking up). If what you want from the other person is so important to you that you'd rather split up than deal with it, then I really don't see any problems with this. There are situations such as "stop hitting me or I'm leaving", or "if you get drunk again I'm leaving you", that I think are quite legitimate, and not really under the umbrella of extortion so much as taking care of yourself. Then there's the people that make those threats simply because they get what they want that way, and not because it actually means that much to them. That's a form of deception, and I'm a pretty big believer of deception being bad for relationships in general.

I think I can summarize this whole post like this: Power over the relationship is not power over the other person. It's power over yourself, and how you act inside the relationship. Anyone telling you otherwise is worthy of suspicion.

Anyone interested?

I'm asking $300 for the whole shebang, or best offer. My new bed will be delivered tomorrow (Sunday), so it's pretty much available immediately. I figured I'd let my flist at it before heading to Craigslist.

It's a Simmons Beautyrest Harmony Cal King mattress I'm getting rid of. Matched set. I bought the bed 8-ish months ago from an individual who said it was a return to a store, so it's theoretically only lightly used, but I couldn't find an actual date on the mattress. The set is in fine condition -- it has body indentations, like all mattresses, but still within warranty specs. It's blue. It's firmer than I'd like, and I just got a Tempurpedic mattress to replace it. Frame is a nice, generic, screw-less cal-king frame on (lockable) wheels from Sears, with mounts for a headboard.

If you don't know what the Grind is, please ignore this entry

joyous_tiger and I had a group Grind outing planned tonight, but one of the members couldn't come, leaving a couple people who were guests without a member to guest them in. We're looking for a member who might be willing to guest them in still. I don't actually know the couple, but joyous_tiger does and she has amazingly good taste when it comes to people. Because I'm lazy, I'm going to cut&paste her synopsis:

Is anyone going to the Grind tonight?

I have organized a group to go, but one of the members bailed today, so I have two guests needing to be brought in through someone else. They're a really great poly couple who have been to private parties put on by the sex positive community and who are very socially adept. They would exercise excellent etiquette and are people I hope to entice into membership.

Anyone feel comfortable with taking one or both on as a guest tonight?

Anyone going to the Grind tonight feel up to helping us out?

Party at my place, Saturday afternoon, May 3rd.

Standard fun applies. There will be interesting people, games, food, music, and I'm hoping some fire and dancing (bring your poi!).

Theme: spring! fire! rebirth! warmth! Hopefully the weather will cooperate, and we'll have some actual spring weather, instead of this Fall/Winter stuff we've been getting recently...

Please feel free to bring one or two interesting people you would feel comfortable leaving unattended in your own home, even if (especially if!) I don't know them. We have lots of space, and we like meeting new people.

Who	You! ...and your guests :-)
What	Food, conversation, music, and games
When	Sat, 03 May 2008 16:00:00 -0800
Where	The Bit-Slingin' Saloon 3848 NE 87th St Seattle, WA 98115 206-909-0262 (cell)

See you there!

I'm throwing a party at my place this Sunday, starting at 4pm and ending when people leave (although I'm kicking you all out if we get to Tuesday).

Why? Because the weather has been fabulous. Because my friends just had a child. Because it's leap day weekend. Because I like large crowds of interesting people. Because a good friend of mine is visiting from out of town. Most of all, because I feel like it, damnit.

So! There will be Rock Band, there will be food graciously provided anna_mcann (whose cooking is worth coming for, all by itself), shooting pool, games, and fascinating conversation. There will be fully stocked bar -- but alcohol isn't the main event, as it were. Weather permitting, I'll break out the BBQ and grill up some grillables. If we're *really* lucky, some piano players will come, and can tickle the ivories of the (baby) grand piano in my living room.

Please feel free to bring one or two interesting people you would feel comfortable leaving unattended in your own home, even if (especially if!) I don't know them. We have lots of space, and we like meeting new people.

Summary:

Who	You! ...and your guests :-)
What	Food, conversation, music, and games
When	Sun, 02 Mar 2008 16:00:00 -0800
Where	The Bit-Slingin' Saloon 3848 NE 87th St Seattle, WA 98115 206-909-0262 (cell)

See you there!

It's been about a year since I've posted how my life was going. I figure I can do it again without boring people too much.

I still work at the same place I did a year ago, although it was a new job then. I'm rakeofdoom's boss. The company went through a really harsh time over the holidays, shrank from about 110 people worldwide to around 60 -- lots of people left, lots didn't get their contracts renewed, and ten or so got laid off -- and got sold. My job is still secure, I think, although out of the five IT people we had, only rakeofdoom and I are still there, still with me in charge of things. It's been stressful. Very. Stressful. Especially this past week, for some reason.

Hmm. Relationships. ariata and I broke up in August, by mutual decision, on very good terms. We're still great friends. I think it was the most mutual parting of ways I've ever experienced, or even heard of. I dated anna_mcann for a month and a half in there (monogamously, for a change), I think September-October, but it went pretty badly. I've been single since then. It took me a while to get used to it, after dating ariata for three years, but I kinda like it now. I have a theory that I learn the most about myself and relationships in the periods between them, and this is no exception. I still can't put things into words, exactly, but I know I think differently about relationships now than I did when ariata and I started dating back in 2004.

I'm actually in that masters program I decided to apply for, the night/weekend M.S. in Information Management at the UW, otherwise known as the Exec MSIM program. I'm in the middle of my second quarter. It's been...boring. Initially, I figured I'd have to wade through a bunch of "intro" classes the first year, and get to the interesting stuff the year after, but it's actually been so slow that I've considered dropping out. Lucky for me, I randomly ran into a second-year student at a cafe I frequent, who suggested I talk with the assistant dean about it. The assistant dean happens to be the professor of one of my classes, so I did, and now it looks like I'll be able to skip the classes I already know cold (like the databases intro class...) and replace them with more interesting electives. I think that's awesome, and will really help me enjoy school. The details of this are still up in the air, though.

For a while, I became something of an outgoing introvert. I guess that's a contradiction of terms, but I mean that I didn't go out often, but when I went out I was really outgoing and met lots of people. I just didn't follow up with any of them. Between work and school, I've been really busy, and just hanging out with a few close friends whenever I've had spare time. I still go out dancing every weekend, and I've started to just "hang out" with people again, which is nice. Not having as much schoolwork this quarter helps, I think.

I've lost another 25 pounds, bringing me down to 240. I plan to lose another 20, and then stop at 220. I seem to drop ten pounds, then stay there for a couple months, then drop ten more. I've been fluctuating from 238-242 for about 4 months or so, now, although it just started to drop again. Still have no special diet to speak of; I just eat what I'm hungry for, and stop eating when I'm no longer hungry (as opposed to sated). I've noticed that I tend to eat more when I'm really stressed, which has been problematic recently.

Actually, stress has been a really big deal lately. Both ariata and anna_mcann, the two people I've frequently slept next to recently, have told me that I occasionally stop breathing in the middle of the night, then start again. I've heard of sleep apnea, but as I felt like I got enough sleep, I didn't think much of it. Now, I'm waking up 3-5 times in a night, and gasp in a breath as a realize I hadn't been breathing. Luckily, suffocating wakes me up. Unluckily, there's something wrong with my breathing hardware. That's kinda scary. It's much, much worse when there's something stressful at school, at work, or socially. It doesn't seem to matter how tired I am. Stress management or no, I think this requires a doctor.

I recently started studying chess again. I do that every couple years -- just start playing a lot, looking up theories, memorizing openings that suit my fancy. I've never been a tournament player, though I apparently play well enough to be one. One of these days I'm gonna play enough to get rated, but I haven't bothered yet. I just sit at Trabant with the chess board in front of me, doing work or homework or just dallying around, and play whoever wants a game. I might even find a tutor again. In six months or so, I'll probably stop playing again. It's what usually happens. I kind of do these things in waves. Next, it will probably be learning haskell (specifically, to wrap my head around monads), which has been on my "to learn before I die" list for a while. I just really like learning; if I'm not learning something, I feel like I'm slowly dying. Although, if I'm bored for long enough (this takes about three days), it actually gets kind of nice. Those three days are torture, though.

That's about the state of my world.

I have to shred XML movie data from IMDb into a relational structure, for a project at work. I whipped up something using Perl's XML::Simple, because it's a simple problem, but then I figured it would be nicer if I could use standards to translate from the XML to the insert statements, especially if I could use a stream-based parser to keep memory requirements lower...as you might imagine, IMDb has a lot of movie data. So, I decided to look into XSLT, which I hear is the de facto XML transformation standard, and really awesome, if you can wrap your head around it.

Having been told, by a number of people, that it's actually a fairly difficult idea to wrap your head around, I set aside a large chunk of time to go and learn it. (I'm using the rest of that time to write this rant.) It took me 20 minutes to realize it was just a gimped version of LISP macros, and I'm embarrassed it took me that long. There's nothing conceptually innovative there; it's just a case of looking up the syntax when you need it.

I hate XML. For years and years, I saw the hype, and everyone was "learning" XML. I saw XML listed under "programming" sections in bookstores, and even on resumes. It's just a file format, people! Ever look at HTML? Now imagine that you can specify anything you want for element names between the angle brackets. Throw in a few optional headers at the top, and you've got XML. Want to specify which element names are allowed, inside of which other elements? Make a DTD, describing what elements can contain what other elements. This is not rocket science, and it's not even innovative -- LISP had the same type of hierarchical data structures, complete with a similar syntax, in 1959.

My main beef with it, I think, is that it's so godawful hard to read. Why oh why did anyone think that <name>content</name> was a good set of delimiters? Wouldn't it be clearer -- and more consistent with the underlying structure -- to use simple parentheses, like (name (content)), or even (name content)? That would be much easier to read. Less redundant. Oh noes, we have to count parentheses, instead of searching for a specific end tag! Err...except for the times when we have to count the tags too, because they're nested. Okay. It's a shame there's no hierarchical data syntax that uses that. Oh wait. Nevermind. LISP data syntax. In 1959.

And now, there's XSLT. Well, since 1999 or so. We can embed control flow into our data! Now that control flow is in the same syntax as our data, imagine the possibilities for templating: we can intersperse data and code! Surely, this is innovative. Oh, wait. No. LISP made that innovative leap in 1959, with its partial-execution macro system. (Granted, in this instance, XSL may be easier to read than the LISP macro syntax.)

I admit that it's easier to specify a tree structure with an XML DTD than it is in LISP, or actually anything else I can think of. You can do it, though. Since 1959. Because data and code are the exact same thing in LISP (wow, what an innovation!), you can just "evaluate" the data as code: If it parses, it's legit.

I'm mentioning LISP a lot because it was first. all of these things have been around, and exist in a number of other languages. Perl, Ruby, Python, ML and lots of other languages have hierarchical data syntax. SAX parsing? Every compiler known to mankind uses a similar technology, since the nearly the dawn of compilers. XPath? You have to index the heck out of your XML to make that fast, then you use -- surprise! -- relational databases to do it. The worst of both worlds: Hard to parse by humans, and hard to parse by machines!

XPath, XSLT, SAX ... they're all just libraries implemented for manipulating an arbitrarily decided "standard" syntax. There are better tools for getting each of those jobs done. It's (now) universally supported, so I suppose I'm stuck with it. That's really the only reason to use it, in my opinion. It just happens to be a very compelling reason.

So, yeah. XML is another stupid file format, amid a plethora of equally useful formats. The only thing making it special is organizational backing. Go ahead and use it, but stop thinking it's innately special somehow. Please? It's getting really old.

helios292 has just moved in, and it's been a while since we threw a party. Clearly, this means it's time to throw one! So, barbeque goodness is gonna go down, this upcoming Sunday. You all are invited.

Location: The Bit Slingin' Saloon, aka My House. If you don't know where that is ... well, I'm sure you have the means to find out. :-)

Date/Time: Sunday, September 23rd, 4:00pm until people leave.

Description: In the immortal words of the new housemate, "meat+fire=win".

Food. Music. People. Conversation. Pool table. Games. Alcohol. Fire. What more do you need?

Commenting is an excellent way to RSVP. ;-)

* Vegetarians and little ones welcome. Even vegetarian little ones.

Me: Once a day or twice a day?
Her: Twice a day.
Me: Once a day would be no problem, but twice a day will require more thinky-ness.
Her: Well, you have lots of thinky power. You can handle it.

Can anyone help with moving a california king bed? I need to move it from Queen Anne to Wedgwood, and I'm trying to avoid renting a truck. I can only pick it up tonight after 11, or anytime before 8pm tomorrow. Thanks!

Comic courtesy of I Drew This, a political commentary webcomic.

For all that I'm about the whole "sex doesn't equal love" thing, I'd never actually had "just sex" before last night. I'd always wanted some sort of relationship from it. The past two nights, though, I've brought someone home, handcuffed her, fucked her senseless till we both had a hard time standing, and then taken her home. And wow, that was some of the best sex I've ever had. I now understand why the bdsm afficionados enjoy themselves so much, and I'm only touching the tip of that iceberg.

I think I've been way too reluctant to push someone, sexually, if I'm actually interested in a long-term relationship with them. Even if they want me to. Even if they've asked me to. It's terrible, but I think I'm much less interesting in bed with people that I pursue relationships with. I've had the whole "respect the woman" thing drilled into my head to the point of absurdity, so if I sense any sort of resistance -- and sometimes it's only in my own head -- I'm likely to never bring it up again. And yes, just sit frustrated, and possibly look around for getting it elsewhere, irked at my partner for my own issues. I'm stupid that way, sometimes.

I've had sex with a few of my previous girlfriends after breaking up with them, and it was always much more interesting an experience after the relationship ended. When I wasn't scared of hurting them emotionally (because I thought them less likely to be hurt, not because I no longer cared), I was able to get past my hangups, and just play around instead of being so serious. It's like I was 18 again -- I learned more about sex in those few rolls than in the dozens (hundreds?) of times I've had sex inside the limits of a Relationship. It seems that if the explicit purpose of the meeting is for carnal pleasure alone, I don't have any weird hangups, and have tremendous fun. So does she, apparently.

Oh yeah, in case anyone missed the memo: I'm single now. For a couple weeks at this point. Trisha and I parted ways on good terms, we're still friends, and still enjoy each others' company. We just both think that being a couple was a bad idea for the both of us, so we stopped. After three years, and with little to no drama. I'm actually a bit surprised, human nature being what it is, but hell -- I'm not complaining. Things were slightly awkward for the first few days, as she basically moved out of my house, but even that seems to have passed already. I hold very few regrets regarding that relationship, and still hold her and her opinions with much respect.

I want new clothes, so I can feel pretty. Handsome. Whatever. Here's the deal: I have money. You have good taste in men's clothing. Together, we are unstoppable. Who wants to go shopping with me?

Hey all. I'm traveling up north this weekend with the lovely ariata. We're planning on going to the aquaraium, to see the whales. (Whales! In an aquarium! Yeowza) Does anyone know any other fun and interesting things to do in the area?

Took the GRE today. I think it actually broke me out of my writers block funk I was in. The writing portion of the test was actually quite fun -- one section asked me to write about how studying something changed your view on the world (which I have no trouble writing for hours about) and the other asked me to rip apart a fallacious argument (which I also rabidly enjoy doing). I expect high writing scores. Math score was fine. Verbal score was enh. Good enough to get into the department I want, in any case.

patterson_ar drove my car into a wall. Slid it, really. Everyone is fine, the damage to the car is fixed, but it's never a good thing to wake up to your roommate crying on the phone because he crashed your car. Conversation:

phone: *RING*
me: "Nyurgh."
him: (obviously very agitated) "Did I wake you up?"
me: "yeah."
him: (more agitated still) "Does that mean you'll be more grumpy than usual?"
me: "Did you crash my car?"
him: "yeah ..."
me: "Where are you?"
him: *explanations of whereabouts and iciness*
me: "Okay, I'll be right there."
phone: *click*
me: (thining to self) "oh shit, I forgot to ask if everyone was okay."
phone: *RING*
him: "hello?"
me: "Is everyone okay?"
him: "yeah"
me: "okay, I'm gonna take a shower first. I'll call you when I'm on my way."

Turns out he just didn't know how to handle a car on ice. Note to Seattleites: TURN INTO THE SKID. But, the collision was at about 3mph, and it just scraped and bent a few things. Broke the mirror. Small stuff. While it was in the shop, I took the opportunity to get a couple other things fixed, so now it has headlights the point in the correct direction (mountings have been broken since I got it, years ago). Yay for visibility. Now to buy some nice, bright lights for it.

I've decided to get a Masters degree. I've found a Masters of Science in Information Management, night and weekend courses only, that fits with my schedule. Two year program. At the UW. That I can afford. So I'm doing it. Now that the GRE is out of the way, I just need to actually write up the application essay and find one more person to write me a recommendation letter. I have one professor and one previous manager; the third will probably be a current coworker.

Work has been ... lots. Lots of work. I really like my new job. I'm just at the point where I can't quite keep everything floating in my head, and have to start actually making policy decisions. Rock the boat! As an IT guy, dealing with developers is simultaneously the best and the worst of it. On one hand, the devs are usually computer savvy enough that we don't have to do much desktop support. On the other hand, they know just enough to shoot themselves in the foot, time and time again, and *still* think they should have root on the production servers. It's a constant struggle to delineate where dev privileges end and IT privileges begin.

Wow. ariata just got a 29 point hand in bridge. Most people won't know what that means, but it pretty much means she wins, even without help from her partner, because she has nearly *all* the high cards.

I've been losing weight. I'm going to get down to 220lbs. That was a good weight for me, I think. I started trying to lose weight in the beginning of November, which wasn't very easy, what with Thanksgiving and all. I was 280lbs when I started, and I was at 265 when I weighed myself a couple days ago. It's gone up and down (up near the end of November, what a surprise), but the overall trend seems to be down about ten pounds a month. I'm happy with that. I'm not really changing anything except when and how much I eat: Instead of eating until I'm full, I eat until I'm no longer hungry (which I've found is literally about half as much food), and I'm eating breakfast and no longer eating in the three hours before I go to bed. I still eat whatever I feel like. Seems to be working.

That's about the state of my world.

Okay, not much free stuff. Here's the deal:

I have a California King-sized bed. That's almost, but not quite, the same dimensions as a regular King-sized bed. I have a King-sized feather mattress that's in pretty decent shape, that I've been using because it's close enough and comfy. My parents recently gave me a California King-sized feather mattress, which is, you know, a better fit.

So, I have a King-sized feather mattress up for grabs. Bed not included. Anyone interested?

EDIT -- Also up for grabs:

Padded canvas laptop carrying case. High quality, adjustable, just ousted in favor of a backpack.